Sorry semi-emo post coming up. Diarrhoea of thoughts penned down. Messy because unfiltered. Unorganised because maybe, just maybe, I have been a mess this year.
I knew it, I have always been lucky. And luck will always run out. I have been so burnt out the last 6-10 months, idk wtf I was doing with my life. I have been very busy with, I don't know, many random things. What was I chasing? Random shit. I lost focus. I thought I had it all under control, I thought I was still going strong, chasing down the things which matter. But, do they matter? I think I have lost focus of what matters. Maybe I wasn't fine all along. I have been thrown off balance, off of my life course. Maybe I was not entirely ok. Maybe I wasn't as cool with everything as I thought I was. Maybe I have been too comfortable with and confident of myself my whole life that I was not prepared to fully deal with unexpected curveballs. Maybe I was actually broken, and I have been busy with many many many random things in a bid to fix myself. But the things I were doing were maybe just, wrong. I need to take a step back and take a look at myself and my life from a third party perspective. And accept the unimaginable thought that maybe, just maybe, I was broken, and I did not even know that I have been scrambling and clutching at air in an unconscious bid to pick myself up.
I never understood why people struggle. I never understood why people get depressed. I never understood why life is hard for people. I never understood why people get sad.
I never understood why people struggle.
I never understood why people struggle.
I never understood why people struggle.
After struggling this year, and failing, I now understand why people struggle. I also realised it takes a lot of guts and courage to admit that you are struggling. It also takes a very strong mind to admit that you lacked and your output is way more than fair for your input. The world is not unfair, I have been unfair to the world, and I have been quite lucky in life so far. Eventually luck runs out and only hard work will bring you to places when you're an adult. I am not that special afterall. I am just another failure this year and I am still trying to embrace that. I am sorry I am actually not as cool and smart and competent as what my friends know me to be. I need to be better.
Working hard is tiring. This job is exhausting. I am/was passionate. Now I am just a bag of bones. What do I want in life? I have come so far yet achieved nothing at the same time. I am tired but who isn't? I need to stop complaining. I am such a baby. Time to grow up. Fuck work life balance. You lose once you stop running. Tortoise and the hare. I am just a random tree they pass by during the race. Bet you never saw that coming. I feel so detached, defeated, but by myself. I did this to myself because I was chasing work life balance. Don't blame others, don't blame the situation, blame yourself. Who am I to chase work life balance in this rat race and yet expect to emerge relatively successful?
I need to admit that I failed and now I am struggling.
I need to admit that I failed and now I am struggling.
I need to admit that I failed and now I am struggling.
I am no longer a child. I need to grow up. I need to stop being lazy and stop thinking that I am so smart. Because I am not. I need to grow up. Life is not just fun and games. I need to grow up. Decide on what I want and work hard for it or just fuck it entirely if I don't want it anymore. No more half fucks! I need to grow up. I need to grow up. I need to grow up. I will give myself the remaining of this year to continue being a loser then new year new me I promise.
This too, shall pass :)
