KOO JUN HOE IS MY BIAS

OH THE FEELS AGAINNNN

Apology

From all the people who come and go

I hope I stand out as one

Tears, cherry blossoms, they all hang low

iKON IS KILLIN ME OMG THE FEELZ.

Social ladder

A FOR A LEVEL

A FOR A LEVEL LET'S GOGOGOGOGOGO.

hiatus

Work hard dream big

Prelims just started, and everything's going full blown. Results since the start of the year have been more than demoralizing so far, mediocre at best. It worries me. I thought as an average joe, a normal student, who is not exceptionally bright but willing to work somewhat hard, JC grades will slowly take flight. At MYCTs, I pretty much remained stagnant or deteriorated. After so many years of formal education, pretty much breezing through almost every obstacle, I thought I knew my studying style inside out. I won't deny that my ego kicked in, I don't want to be at the bottom. Honestly, I am not used to being at the bottom, and I hate it. No, it's not a competition with my classmates, instead, it felt like I have failed myself, I have disappointed myself. I am in a position that does not reflect my real capabilities. I am really so much more. I am really not sure whether I will peak at the A levels. Seriously. People around me are like "Aiyah, you can one la, all along you do so well" or "Your results are not bad what!" or "Alevels wouldn't be that difficult." Well, thanks guys for having so much faith in me, much more than I have in myself. But I don't want to use those as an excuse for my free falling grades. Neither do I want to be disillusioned. I need to improve, I need to step up my game, I need to. There is no room for error. I need to do well for prelims. If I don't, I am sure I will be so demoralized.... And yeah, UCAS application, BMAT..... Yeah, in short, the stakes are high. I fear. I am tired. Did I not try hard enough all this while (hmm maybe I didn't), or my best.... is never enough? Life has been pretty shitty yet exciting at the same time. If only certain moments can last longer, for me to savour it over and over. Many thoughts recently, keeping my brain really active, and sometimes falling into the pits of over-thinking...... Feeling the inadequacy, self-doubt, insecurities, always second guessing myself. Losing all the motivation as we stride into the double digit countdown. Uncool. Need to get my shit together. Maybe the first step is to get off my phone and stop watching dramas, variety shows, mvs, whatsapping instagramming and what not.

Take heart

That's what they always say.

To be honest I don't think I have many close friends (which was what I wanted anyway bc I hate making friends). I'm always the blunt and straightforward friend (sometimes deemed as insensitive) but I honestly believe in pragmatism. I don't believe in honeycomb words and neither do I believe in beautiful lies. I believe that's why most of my friends only come and confide in me when they are in seriously deep shit/facing the turning point in their life; beacause I'm kinda sure that I can give absolutely logical advices when it comes to surviving in this harsh liberalised world where lies are floating around freely from disgusting mouths of unscrupulous people. Ok maybe my previous sentence was too harsh LOL I wasn't referring to anyone in particular though. I was just thinking about the whole society in general where many people are willing to pull you down just to scale their own ladder, especially when we emerge as freshgrads into our working world.

I may not be all THAT sensitive to small little things for the time being (ironically I actually like people who believe in "it's the small things which count") but I can promise you that I will give u my honest opinions no matter whether it's what you wanna hear or not. Bam, I can let the truth hit you like a wreckingball. Maybe that's why my friends shun me when they are stressed out or sad; bc I'll tell them realistic things which they don't wanna hear/know HAHAHA I should stop pouring cold water on people and start to care for people's feelings. Actually I do (surprisingly, it may seem) know about many little things happening around me to/within my friends. I'm not oblivious. Not at all. I'm actually quite observant. I know things, but I don't say them. What for? Why highlight and reinforce the unhappiness when I can't help them? What I always tell myself to refrain me from showing my awareness of the situation is "Be sad,  go ahead and cry if you want, but learn from your mistakes/problems by yourself and move on. No one will be there for you every single time. That's how you learn."

Ahh damn, I always express my opinions so well when I speak and when I blog. But somehow I can never bring them into my GP writing. Why? Is it because I'm scared of my opinions being judged by people -strangers, markers, teachers- for having bad opinions? Half the times my opinion differs from the general consensus/what is socially/morally right. But, I'm puzzled and disappointed. Does that make my opinion wrong? I didn't know opinions even have right or wrong answers. Why do I still hold on to my 'opinions' when they are 'wrong' since they are marked down? Sighpie.

Some times (ok maybe many a times) I feel like giving up. No one really pays attention to me bc I don't show my sad emotions easily. I don't actually mind though, and tbh I don't really care bc these negative emotions are so insignificant to me and I'll brush them off myself in no time at all. But still, it would feel nice if someone shows me concern at the right time - when I'm wallowing in my insignificant and unnecessary sadness deep inside. I've been independent for far too long. All I do to help myself is hold korkor's hand at night before we sleep and ask him "Korkor, now how? I don't think I'll be able to make it afterall....."

-

Nonetheless, I'm still the cheerful and realistic me. While the optimist and pessimist were arguing about who is right (to be happy or sad), the opportunist (me) kicked them both in the ass and had a good laugh HAHAHA.

Dreams to reality

Goals Goals Goals Goals Goals Goals Goals Goals Goals Goals.

I always think that I'll do so much better if I just put in that lil' bit more effort. But I always don't. It has been a long long time since my last productive day (months or years ago). Furthermore, I itchy hand and I STARTED TO WATCH KHUNTORIA'S WGM. Shit sia I'm watching 3-4 episodes a day someone save me T_T

Ok staph, nobody will help me unless I help myself. I'm tired, but who isn't? What gives me the right to say I'm tired (when I haven't even been doing anything much). Remember, dreams don't work unless you do. Will I be able to reach the future I envisaged? Let's work hard towards that answer.

Side note: At least I feel relatively happy because I always work and play (hard) at the same time. All I have to do is cut down (quite a bit) of my play time.

Another round of applause

I've always loved Rihanna's old songs.

Hmmm not bad, I see hope. I just need to be lucky again for that one important exam.

Late night thoughts

Listening to my old favourite song again.

I have been thinking a alot. For the whole holidays. Ever since AB camp. It really got me thinking. About my future. A lot about my future. My life is going to become relatively fixed in about, 5 months? Once A level ends. That would determine my future - where I'm going. Or rather, where I CAN go. What direction is my life heading towards. Will I be flooded with euphoria? Will I reach my intended destination? What even is my destination?

People always tell you to dream big. "Reach for the moon, so even if you fall, you'll land among the stars." That's what they always say. That's actually a very lousy consolation statement. "Nobody ever remembers the second." That's that others say. The former, are self-delusional people while the latter, are pragmatic people. Or perhaps I describe them way too unfairly to the extremity. But still, aren't there only two types of people in the world - good or bad? If you don't do bad stuff, does that not make you good? But again, thinking from the other perspective, if you don't do good stuff, does that make you bad? Not really, if I might say. Actually all these depend on your defintion. Different people have different definitions for different terms.

Forget about MYCT. MYCT only serves as a wake up call for me. I'm very sure I didn't do well. It's not that I didnt study. I admit that I tried my best to study during the last week of June holidays. I thought I would at least do okay, but I totally screwed my exams, I didn't even perform to my standards, didn't bring out what I studied. C'mon, stupid mistakes like totally missing an entire page of a source, like, what even, hahaha. It's okay because this motivates me to step up my game. I will because I can!

The worse is yet to come

Old picture during J1 when I mugged slightly late into the night haha I CANNOT FLUNK MYCT NO NO NO NO I REFUSE TO DO BADLY FOR MYCT. But even so, I will never compromise my health HAHA SO GOODNIGHT AT 11+ AND GOOD MORNING AT 9 FOR NON SCHOOL DAYS (Y).

HIATUS.

Or maybe not.

Beezee

Busy Soosian is very busy for the first two weeks of June. After that, I would have somewhat put aside all external activities. Then it will be the time for me to marry my lecture notes. I must do well for MYCT! I should stop throwing face as a scholar LOL time to put in much more effort.

End

Finally. Finally it's the end. Finally it's the end of seasons!! This journey would have been so much better if someone was nicer but oh well at least it's over now and I'm glad it is! Everyone else was very nice and I generally love my team except for the black sheep (I hope she slowly turns white again with vb out of her life). I'll do a concluding post to my vb life another day when I'm more free.

For now, I'm just gonna post some pictures :)

(Left: The only nice pic featuing me LOL.  / Right: Oi Sarah don't fall down leh i protect you)

(Left: Oops I watching movie, forgot to bao gong. / Right: I haven't even put down my hand) 

(Left: Vanessa u better thunder hor / Right: Sarah why u jump so high)

(Me trying to spy on the blocker's off timing and judging so badly HAHA)

(AJVB steady ace!!)

(Left: Oi don't anyhow touch hor. / Right: cw "I'll catch you if you fall my princess")

(Left: "OI SARAH U GOT PRESS OR NOT" / Right: "OH U DID")

(Vanesianrahling!)

Just a loser

At some point I started to look at the ground more than the sky.

It’s hard to even breathe. I reach out my hand, but no one grabs it.

Over-reliance kills

I've become so used to you that I don't know what I would ever do without you. Perhaps it's because I crave for your love and attention so much so that I'm always overly insensitive and childish in front of you. I don't wanna be the "always strong" girl in front of everyone. I just wanna be loved by you, no matter how strong or weak I really am.

I'm really scared when I can't keep up with people/things. I don't wanna get left behind. I'm really scared of one thing - failure. And I kinda mind another thing - loneliness. Lastly, the thing I love most - being loved. I'm so scared that at the rate I'm going now, I can't keep up with my studies and ultimately I'll do badly for the A levels. Anyway, I always feel replete when I'm with you, so much so that I put in less effort into all my other friendships. If you're gone, I'll feel so lonely and realise that I'm actually really all by myself with no one to tell, no one to find solace and comfort in. The thing I love most is being loved. Yes, because I always feel at ease with everyone hence people won't put in extra effort to be nice to me/say nice things to me because they always treat me as a "brother" and they always think that I'm fine and happy no matter how nasty they treat me/the things they say to me. It's true to a certain extent, I really don't mind but I kinda get sad occassionally if everyone does this every single time because I feel so deprived of what I love most - being loved (openly, not deep within).

What am I doing with my life? I need to get my act together and step up my game. While everyone is busy growing up, I realise I'm the only one retarding, growing down, becoming more immature. Maybe I'm really what you said. I'm still the "xmm who only wants to hear the good things". I've always hated girls who cry. Funny how I'm the one in tears now. Soosian you fucking weakling.

-update-

Reading our previous posts on livejournal makes me laugh and cry at the same time. How can anyone be so patient and love me so much? Only you. Just you. Don't worry, I will learn to be indepedent again. You can drop that burden which landed on your shoulders since 21 may 2014 from now on :')

Rare that I rant about my thought and feelings on my blog esp since I'm so lazy to type long posts. But I had to get all these out somewhere. I just had to.

I wish

My life rn.

Worm in a well

Have you ever seen a worm? Well, I have, and I love worms. Have you ever heard about the story behind the idiom 井底之蛙 (frog at the bottom of the well)? It goes like this:

Once, there was a frog. The frog spent all his life sitting in a well. Everytime he looked up at the sky, he thought “How small the world is!” One day, a turtle came by, looked down the well and saw the frog sitting there. “How limited this frog’s sight is…”, thought the turtle.

Now, let us twist the story a bit and change the frog to a worm. The story becomes like this:

Once, there was a worm. The worm spent all his life looking at lousy doctors in the MO in army and A&E in hospitals. Every time he saw doctors, he thought "How lousy doctors are!" One day, salty came by, looked at wormy and saw him grumpily criticizing every doctor. "How limited this worm's sight and opinion is....." thought salty.

Dictatorship

Throwback.

3 days of holiday but I totally didn't do any homework at all. Luckily I think I'm doing quite ok now in terms of school work because I've completed most of the tutorials before teacher goes through. Last Monday was the scariest day of my life because I went to Tan Tock Seng A&E and I almost thought my vision would be impaired for life. Thankfully all is fine now!! I promise to take care of my eyes from now on LOL.

Skipped 2 training because of my eyes. Did some thinking on my own when I reached home dam dam early. I thought about everything Mr Chua and jiao lian tried to indirectly tell me, coupled with all the direct messages relayed to me. I have made up my mind. I will be the bad guy if need be (I've remained a neutral party for far too long). It's time for setter suzy liong soo sian to take charge of the game and bring ajvb'15 to finals yay (at least they told me we will go finals as long as I take charge). Be brave, rise up, I won't let you step all over everyone's heads anymore. I have to protect my kids LOL ok bye bye.

怎麼了

Happily ever after

Happy day ^_^

Thailand trip

 

Thailand trip with AJVB'15 was an eye opener. It was quite different from China trip with AJVB'14 because we have much less free time to ourselves to study or nap or do whatever we want etc etc. I was really tired everyday because of the lack of sleep although I sleep at 10 or 11pm+ everyday. Oh well.

Volleyball was mad too, with training every morning and friendly every afternoon for 4 or 5 consecutive days. Luckily the intensity was still okay, otherwise I would've died. Lots of things happened, some were fun while some were not. Nevertheless, I hope that as a team, we've all emerged stronger than before!! :) Looking on the 'BRIGHT' side, block tests next week. Seriously gg sia in Thailand I only read like 20 pages of econs green book lol and I'm left with 2 days to study for 5 subjects but I procrastinate every single moment. Up till now, I have yet to start on any subject. I am so screwed but I wanna do well but I don't feel like doing anything. Ok shut up soosian go and study. Motto for good student soosian: 1) Sleep enough 2) Eat enough 3) Be happy 4) Before you study.

Anyway, happy 10th monthsary to me and wormy! luvluv.

Rooming with Josephine was madness. Temple visit was cool with the sarong.

Candid. Happiness in a rectangle.

The step team. Model material???

Somehow

I totally don't feel like studying at all this CNY break.

Just another day

Issues happening around the world. Recently I crave to know more and indulge in the rich content which I must build up in order to do well for GP. Female infanticide, female circumcision, gender inequality, issues on LGBT, poverty, they are actually quite interesting if I get to know more about them.

It is imperative for me to start being a voracious reader of current affairs in order for me to write an essay steeped with content and replete with flowery language. I know I can if I want to. Some times I think I am so much more. I also think I should love myself more. If I don't even love myself, then who can love me? If I don't even love myself, how am I supposed to love others? I shall work hard and do well, even with training eating up so much of my time. I have no rights to say I'm tired because, who isn't? Let's all work hard together and strive for our goals. Goals are called goals for a reason - you need to work for them. Besides, you will never see the goal-post running towards the soccer ball to engulf it, am I not right? Yup let's go!

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever." - Gandhi.

P.S: Cheer up wormy, I love you! ^_^

Bittersweet

So far, school has been, basically tough. All I can say is that it has been so fast paced and training gets me feeling like shit and everything is just so so so tiring. I don't know what to think anymore. I really hope we do well for A div and after that, I can concentrate on my studies. Luckily I have my losers in 13/14, which makes jc life so much more bearable.

Some times I think my future looks quite bright while other times I think my future looks quite bleak. Some times I have ridiculous thoughts of dropping out of school and marrying chongwei in the future and just be a housewife. Sigh, I think I should try to accomplish big things instead. I think I can do better if I put in more effort into whatever I'm doing. My dad always says I'm a smartypants even though I'm not textbook smart. I want to be a doctor or lawyer (this choice has been out since my GP is shit)  but I cannot see myself as one because I don't think I'm a good person and ppl say I'm cunning HAHAHA which I won't deny. What am I born into this world for? What is my purpose in life???????

Happy new ear

I love wormy because he's the wormy in my tummy :D

2014 has been great and awesome and amazing and wonderful because I found worm. Let 2015 be even better, may you complete army safely and may I complete A levels amazingly HAHAHA. Once again, HAPPY NEW YEAR PULL YOUR EAR AND POKE YOU HERE. Busy year ahead. Fighting!