Prelims just started, and everything's going full blown. Results since the start of the year have been more than demoralizing so far, mediocre at best. It worries me. I thought as an average joe, a normal student, who is not exceptionally bright but willing to work somewhat hard, JC grades will slowly take flight. At MYCTs, I pretty much remained stagnant or deteriorated. After so many years of formal education, pretty much breezing through almost every obstacle, I thought I knew my studying style inside out. I won't deny that my ego kicked in, I don't want to be at the bottom. Honestly, I am not used to being at the bottom, and I hate it. No, it's not a competition with my classmates, instead, it felt like I have failed myself, I have disappointed myself. I am in a position that does not reflect my real capabilities. I am really so much more. I am really not sure whether I will peak at the A levels. Seriously. People around me are like "Aiyah, you can one la, all along you do so well" or "Your results are not bad what!" or "Alevels wouldn't be that difficult." Well, thanks guys for having so much faith in me, much more than I have in myself. But I don't want to use those as an excuse for my free falling grades. Neither do I want to be disillusioned. I need to improve, I need to step up my game, I need to. There is no room for error. I need to do well for prelims. If I don't, I am sure I will be so demoralized.... And yeah, UCAS application, BMAT..... Yeah, in short, the stakes are high. I fear. I am tired. Did I not try hard enough all this while (hmm maybe I didn't), or my best.... is never enough? Life has been pretty shitty yet exciting at the same time. If only certain moments can last longer, for me to savour it over and over. Many thoughts recently, keeping my brain really active, and sometimes falling into the pits of over-thinking...... Feeling the inadequacy, self-doubt, insecurities, always second guessing myself. Losing all the motivation as we stride into the double digit countdown. Uncool. Need to get my shit together. Maybe the first step is to get off my phone and stop watching dramas, variety shows, mvs, whatsapping instagramming and what not.
