Over-reliance kills

I've become so used to you that I don't know what I would ever do without you. Perhaps it's because I crave for your love and attention so much so that I'm always overly insensitive and childish in front of you. I don't wanna be the "always strong" girl in front of everyone. I just wanna be loved by you, no matter how strong or weak I really am.

I'm really scared when I can't keep up with people/things. I don't wanna get left behind. I'm really scared of one thing - failure. And I kinda mind another thing - loneliness. Lastly, the thing I love most - being loved. I'm so scared that at the rate I'm going now, I can't keep up with my studies and ultimately I'll do badly for the A levels. Anyway, I always feel replete when I'm with you, so much so that I put in less effort into all my other friendships. If you're gone, I'll feel so lonely and realise that I'm actually really all by myself with no one to tell, no one to find solace and comfort in. The thing I love most is being loved. Yes, because I always feel at ease with everyone hence people won't put in extra effort to be nice to me/say nice things to me because they always treat me as a "brother" and they always think that I'm fine and happy no matter how nasty they treat me/the things they say to me. It's true to a certain extent, I really don't mind but I kinda get sad occassionally if everyone does this every single time because I feel so deprived of what I love most - being loved (openly, not deep within).

What am I doing with my life? I need to get my act together and step up my game. While everyone is busy growing up, I realise I'm the only one retarding, growing down, becoming more immature. Maybe I'm really what you said. I'm still the "xmm who only wants to hear the good things". I've always hated girls who cry. Funny how I'm the one in tears now. Soosian you fucking weakling.

-update-

Reading our previous posts on livejournal makes me laugh and cry at the same time. How can anyone be so patient and love me so much? Only you. Just you. Don't worry, I will learn to be indepedent again. You can drop that burden which landed on your shoulders since 21 may 2014 from now on :')

Rare that I rant about my thought and feelings on my blog esp since I'm so lazy to type long posts. But I had to get all these out somewhere. I just had to.

I wish

My life rn.

Worm in a well

Have you ever seen a worm? Well, I have, and I love worms. Have you ever heard about the story behind the idiom 井底之蛙 (frog at the bottom of the well)? It goes like this:

Once, there was a frog. The frog spent all his life sitting in a well. Everytime he looked up at the sky, he thought “How small the world is!” One day, a turtle came by, looked down the well and saw the frog sitting there. “How limited this frog’s sight is…”, thought the turtle.

Now, let us twist the story a bit and change the frog to a worm. The story becomes like this:

Once, there was a worm. The worm spent all his life looking at lousy doctors in the MO in army and A&E in hospitals. Every time he saw doctors, he thought "How lousy doctors are!" One day, salty came by, looked at wormy and saw him grumpily criticizing every doctor. "How limited this worm's sight and opinion is....." thought salty.

Dictatorship

Throwback.

3 days of holiday but I totally didn't do any homework at all. Luckily I think I'm doing quite ok now in terms of school work because I've completed most of the tutorials before teacher goes through. Last Monday was the scariest day of my life because I went to Tan Tock Seng A&E and I almost thought my vision would be impaired for life. Thankfully all is fine now!! I promise to take care of my eyes from now on LOL.

Skipped 2 training because of my eyes. Did some thinking on my own when I reached home dam dam early. I thought about everything Mr Chua and jiao lian tried to indirectly tell me, coupled with all the direct messages relayed to me. I have made up my mind. I will be the bad guy if need be (I've remained a neutral party for far too long). It's time for setter suzy liong soo sian to take charge of the game and bring ajvb'15 to finals yay (at least they told me we will go finals as long as I take charge). Be brave, rise up, I won't let you step all over everyone's heads anymore. I have to protect my kids LOL ok bye bye.