This month has been actually, kind to me. Busy but productive. Hectic yet fulfilling. Put in more effort, rewarded with boundless of knowledge and, acknowledgement, in fact. Learnt more about myself. Learnt how to be at peace with myself. Learnt how to embrace myself again.
I'm ok,
I'm ok.
I'm ok!
I love time. Time is my best friend. I always thought change was my best friend. However, I realised that time is always the true winner, time can overcome any sort of change :) Don't worry everyone. To all my friends struggling out there, chins up! All's good. Time will always be on your side eventually. And of course, this too, shall pass!!!!!!!!
New year new me bye 2023 you were quite fucked up. Hi 2024 i will love you well so please love me back.
Sorry semi-emo post coming up. Diarrhoea of thoughts penned down. Messy because unfiltered. Unorganised because maybe, just maybe, I have been a mess this year.
I knew it, I have always been lucky. And luck will always run out. I have been so burnt out the last 6-10 months, idk wtf I was doing with my life. I have been very busy with, I don't know, many random things. What was I chasing? Random shit. I lost focus. I thought I had it all under control, I thought I was still going strong, chasing down the things which matter. But, do they matter? I think I have lost focus of what matters. Maybe I wasn't fine all along. I have been thrown off balance, off of my life course. Maybe I was not entirely ok. Maybe I wasn't as cool with everything as I thought I was. Maybe I have been too comfortable with and confident of myself my whole life that I was not prepared to fully deal with unexpected curveballs. Maybe I was actually broken, and I have been busy with many many many random things in a bid to fix myself. But the things I were doing were maybe just, wrong. I need to take a step back and take a look at myself and my life from a third party perspective. And accept the unimaginable thought that maybe, just maybe, I was broken, and I did not even know that I have been scrambling and clutching at air in an unconscious bid to pick myself up.
I never understood why people struggle. I never understood why people get depressed. I never understood why life is hard for people. I never understood why people get sad.
I never understood why people struggle.
I never understood why people struggle.
I never understood why people struggle.
After struggling this year, and failing, I now understand why people struggle. I also realised it takes a lot of guts and courage to admit that you are struggling. It also takes a very strong mind to admit that you lacked and your output is way more than fair for your input. The world is not unfair, I have been unfair to the world, and I have been quite lucky in life so far. Eventually luck runs out and only hard work will bring you to places when you're an adult. I am not that special afterall. I am just another failure this year and I am still trying to embrace that. I am sorry I am actually not as cool and smart and competent as what my friends know me to be. I need to be better.
Working hard is tiring. This job is exhausting. I am/was passionate. Now I am just a bag of bones. What do I want in life? I have come so far yet achieved nothing at the same time. I am tired but who isn't? I need to stop complaining. I am such a baby. Time to grow up. Fuck work life balance. You lose once you stop running. Tortoise and the hare. I am just a random tree they pass by during the race. Bet you never saw that coming. I feel so detached, defeated, but by myself. I did this to myself because I was chasing work life balance. Don't blame others, don't blame the situation, blame yourself. Who am I to chase work life balance in this rat race and yet expect to emerge relatively successful?
I need to admit that I failed and now I am struggling.
I need to admit that I failed and now I am struggling.
I need to admit that I failed and now I am struggling.
I am no longer a child. I need to grow up. I need to stop being lazy and stop thinking that I am so smart. Because I am not. I need to grow up. Life is not just fun and games. I need to grow up. Decide on what I want and work hard for it or just fuck it entirely if I don't want it anymore. No more half fucks! I need to grow up. I need to grow up. I need to grow up. I will give myself the remaining of this year to continue being a loser then new year new me I promise.
I have been nuaing the last 1-2 months ever since I passed my MRCS part B. I need to really up my game and work on those research man. Anyway this 3 month thing is really really fucking zhun LOL bless the person who taught me this. Rule #1 of modern dating - protect yourself emotionally - don't give, and don't receive even if the other person gives. You don't know each other well enough. I have been abiding by this rule well and it has been working really well. Tbh it's a bit fucked up, I agree, but what to do, if you don't protect yourself, no one will.
Now I finally understand how modern dating works. That does not mean I necessarily agree with the concepts involved, but if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I have not been very fair all the time but at least I'm always honest. I have been at peace for quite awhile now and I am happy by myself :)
Why do I feel like this is deja fucking vu. Magical 'at least 3 months' is real. Even if we have been good friends for a few years, vibed like crazy all along, the magical 3 months rule really still fucking does wonders. I don't want anything from anyone, I don't even know what I want; but I think I really just dam PTSD from lack of communication? Maybe it's a me problem that's why this keeps happening to me? Zzz ok I will go and reflect again.
SS doesn't know why people like to harp on feelings and emotions
SS doesn't know why people have expectations just to get disappointed after
SS is confident about herself and knows what she wants and doesn't want
SS is easy going and dam game
SS is strong and independent
SS hates talking about feelings
People who know me well will know and agree with all the above. Phew thank god I haven't had to think/talk about feelings for awhile. 'Twas a good break from my unusual self and I am back to the old SS! Let's not talk about feelings and let's fucking go have fun!
Life has been good. I have been happy. I met my friends more often, was more open minded to getting to know more/new people, hanging out with friends' friends, reconnecting with old friends, went drinking/partying more, been saying more yes instead of no, spent more time with my family, played more vb, had tons of fun during pesta sukan comps, went to dance, bought more clothes, dressed up more often, studied more, thought about my future and career a lil' more. Focusing on my MRCS part B coming soon, after which I have a lot planned! There are so many things I want to do and pursue after my exam ends. I have a whole list written down. I feel very contented with life recently and I feel smart and beautiful by myself. Can't wait to dive into what life has in store for me for the rest of the year woooooo
I should've acknowledged it earlier. I saw it coming since awhile ago. But I think I was too scared to face it, to lose someone dear again. Well, I guess better late than never! It was nice while it lasted and I don't regret it. Ah it's been awhile since I had to give things so much thought. Life has been quite simple and straightforward the past many years. Did I really lose a bit of myself along the way since I was with people for a long time? Maybe, perhaps really maybe. Time to take a break and rediscover myself and learn to love myself again :)
I actually know it. I have realised it for awhile. I just refused to believe it and I refused to acknowledge it. When am I going to embrace the truth? Next time, one more time, one last try, I always tell myself. It was so good and so great for a short period of time, and I really thoroughly enjoyed and appreciated that. But it has slowly faded to just (lack of) effort which stems from the (lack of) emotions. Are all those really dead and gone, all in the past? I still cannot believe that everything faded and ended so fast when they were going good for awhile. This is so heartbreaking.
Where did it go wrong? Is it my fault? What could I have done differently to maintain things when they were beautiful? If I could rewind time, what should I have done more and what should I have not done? Who will have the answer to these? I really do not know. But what I do know is that I have tried my best, and I realised that my efforts have ironically been pushing you away further. Hence logically speaking I should stop. But if I stop, that may or may not bring you back but I myself will drift away. Should I let go? I am afraid to let go. Will you let go? I am afraid that you will let me go. So I will just let it be and see where the tide takes us.
I am quite overwhelmed the upcoming few months. I just want to list them out so I can pace myself.
1. 4 July Starting my KTPH posting in a very important and busy team, hence need to work hard and study Ortho content as well
2. 5-9 July Overseas oral podium presentation
3. 8 July- 8 Aug Pesta Sukan, playing in 2 categories. I need to train 1-2x/week
4. 23 Aug MRCS Part B in Kuching. I need to study hard and fight for leave and book my tickets and accoms.
5. Early Sept CCK CC invitational cup. I need to train 1-2x/week
6. Writing 3 papers now, 1 of which is still in data collection stage
7. Trying to publish all 3 papers by Sept before residency application cycle starts again
8. 23-25 Nov Aiming for oral presentation at SOA
9. Need to get all the above done concurrently within such a short period of time, yet need to go on call 5-6x/month
10. I think about all the above I tired already
Will I really be able to work hard +++ and achieve all the above? I think the hardest I've ever worked was during JC to build my portfolio to get into med sch. After that, in med sch I just lepak and enjoy my life playing so many sports and picking up dance etc and making new friends. I really did enjoy life. Looks like it is time to strive hard in life again!!! I CAN DO THIS
Unfortunately this is very bad timing. Very bad emotional and mental state to be in during these upcoming important 3 months of my life. But this should not be an excuse for people to take pity on me and stay just to tide me through because that would be even more cruel. And unfair. To me. I do not need pity and I do not need fixing. I do not need sympathy nor empathy. That would be looking down on me. I am really ok. It will be ok :)
It's ok
I'm ok
I hope you're ok
It is what it is
This too shall pass :')
Reminder to self: Humans start out alone and may end up alone anyway. It is not abnormal. Learn to embrace it.
Life has been a lil' more chill in May. June will be the month everything slowly starts stepping up and I start getting busier. July will be real busy especially with the posting change and new environment. Good lord I sure hope I won't get lost in my new hospital. August will be the month I hope I don't lose money LOL inside joke. September will then be the period my mental wellbeing falls into shambles. Then life will get better from October onwards :)
Bring me back to JC and Uni days seriously. When we were all still teenagers with not much care nor responsibilities. When we don't need to think too much. We were all so young and attractive with so much hopes and dreams for the world. Adulting is tough. I think I am slowly withering away. My personality type has changed quite a bit as well. Almost complete opposite to when I took it during JC. Once again I am right, change is the only constant. I am frustrated and exasperated. At myself and generally at what I've become and the way I am behaving. I miss my passionate drive, enthusiasm, optimism, broad-mindedness and just that bright attractive spark I had. I also miss the efforts I used to put in in the past to be a nicer person. I think I have become more cautious and vulnerable in this unpredictable world full of adults. Maybe I need to draw some distance between me and the world and keep to myself for a bit.
When there are two people involved in a disagreement
There will always be two point of views
The moral of the story is we all need to learn to embrace the other person's point of view and try to put theirs over our own. Because that's what it means to welcome and embrace someone else in your life.
I think the worst part of getting out of a relationship is that routines are broken and you feel lost on a daily basis. There was no one to tell. No one to update regarding daily happenings. I got past it quickly by hanging out with my family and friends more. And then I got used to being alone. It was comfortable even. Sometimes even relatively carefree. No need to be accountable, I can do whatever and say whatever I want, whenever.
It is such a scary thing to get used to having someone around. Recently I am slowly getting used to someone again. I am afraid. What if everything does not turn out well? I would need to go through the cycle of being used to being alone again. Hence I have decided that I will still be the main person for myself and the only person I will get used to forever is myself. Normally I am quite cool and idgaf much about anything, what is happening? Why am I over thinking?
Don't get used.
Don't get used.
Don't get used.
Humans always start out alone and may end up alone and this, you should get used.
Thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts thoughts. And no direct answer. How fast is too fast, how slow is too slow? What is ok and what is not? Are we all rushing for something? If yes, what is the end point? Should we aim and shoot straight for the end point, or is the process of getting there equally important? Anyway let's flow. Time is everyone's best friend. And I am happy :)
