Over-reliance kills

I've become so used to you that I don't know what I would ever do without you. Perhaps it's because I crave for your love and attention so much so that I'm always overly insensitive and childish in front of you. I don't wanna be the "always strong" girl in front of everyone. I just wanna be loved by you, no matter how strong or weak I really am.

I'm really scared when I can't keep up with people/things. I don't wanna get left behind. I'm really scared of one thing - failure. And I kinda mind another thing - loneliness. Lastly, the thing I love most - being loved. I'm so scared that at the rate I'm going now, I can't keep up with my studies and ultimately I'll do badly for the A levels. Anyway, I always feel replete when I'm with you, so much so that I put in less effort into all my other friendships. If you're gone, I'll feel so lonely and realise that I'm actually really all by myself with no one to tell, no one to find solace and comfort in. The thing I love most is being loved. Yes, because I always feel at ease with everyone hence people won't put in extra effort to be nice to me/say nice things to me because they always treat me as a "brother" and they always think that I'm fine and happy no matter how nasty they treat me/the things they say to me. It's true to a certain extent, I really don't mind but I kinda get sad occassionally if everyone does this every single time because I feel so deprived of what I love most - being loved (openly, not deep within).

What am I doing with my life? I need to get my act together and step up my game. While everyone is busy growing up, I realise I'm the only one retarding, growing down, becoming more immature. Maybe I'm really what you said. I'm still the "xmm who only wants to hear the good things". I've always hated girls who cry. Funny how I'm the one in tears now. Soosian you fucking weakling.

-update-

Reading our previous posts on livejournal makes me laugh and cry at the same time. How can anyone be so patient and love me so much? Only you. Just you. Don't worry, I will learn to be indepedent again. You can drop that burden which landed on your shoulders since 21 may 2014 from now on :')

Rare that I rant about my thought and feelings on my blog esp since I'm so lazy to type long posts. But I had to get all these out somewhere. I just had to.